If you were able to read Part 1 of this saga, you’ll know that God has got this running theme for me in the last year of learning patience, waiting on His perfect timing. This first test I spent more of it on the sidelines being a support to my husband, so I think I did much better than if it had been my own personal test. We did have an overlap though, so my story starts about halfway through the last one.
I’ve had this life of mine planned out for a while now. Most had gone according to planned until God started to shake things up and show me who is really in control. The birth of a child will do that to you. Especially when that birth is nothing like you expect. So, somehow in the last three years I thought that I had learned this lesson of giving up control and then decided to take a bit of it back. The “planning” for baby number 2 began and I was sure it would work out perfectly. Just as a warning you all, I’m kind of ridiculous. You see, I have my reasons for wanting things the way I do.
Summertime is crazy for our family with multiple birthdays every weekend and then weddings and anniversaries and vacations, I just couldn’t possibly have a baby then. And winter is a no go as well. Holidays and a few more birthdays, I just didn’t want our little one being thrown into that mix. I got my Spring baby first time around so now for an Autumn babe. Calculating it out meant we needed to get pregnant in the winter for everything to go as planned. It took a month or two to get pregnant with baby girl so we “stopped trying not to get pregnant” (sounds much better than “trying to get pregnant”) towards the end of the year. Note: we weren’t super set on this with the prospect of moving our family for a new job in the future but still open to the possibility. December came and went. January we thought it might happen and so did my mom apparently because when my brother announced that a new grandbaby was coming, she thought it was me and not my dear sister-in-law. Excited to be an Auntie finally and for my brother and sister-in-law to have their first, I was content not being the one pregnant. I kept counting the months knowing that our chance of an Autumn baby was dwindling I was getting a little discouraged, but knew that it couldn’t possibly be much longer. Month by month a negative test and those wonderful hormones that accompany it turned me into a big baby. Oh, the tears and frustration.
Spring was here and the new job possibility for my husband was in front of us. He quit without a solid offer but at least the ability to freelance. During this time we were also in our 4th month of 7: giving away 7 things from our home everyday for a month. (Sorry, I didn’t finish that blog series, I’ll have to pick it up again another time) I and a sweet friend of mine, who had been through much more than I had, decided we should have a play date and donuts to commiserate the fact that neither of us were pregnant. She mentioned how crazy we were for giving away things while my husband was not yet working full time. Somehow I could trust God’s provision through all that but didn’t believe He knew what He was doing when it came to my fertility.
Not worrying and being grateful is something I learned in the anxiety I had after my daughter was born so I attempted to put this into practice. I told God that yes, I had this all figured out, I see what He was trying to teach me. I needed to be content and grateful for all I have. I needed to thank Him for my amazing husband and beautiful daughter and our lovely home and life that He had already blessed me with. Yada, yada, yada. Gotcha, thanks God, learned my lesson, now give me my baby.
To this day I cannot remember what passage it was that I was reading in my Bible app, but I was sitting on my bed trying to glean something from the Word that would give me hope and something to hold onto after another month of being ever so very NOT pregnant. I have a feeling He will use this passage again in my life, so He didn’t want me to get hung up on the words of it, but His Word spoke loud and clear. I had told Him I would be content with what I had and He said, “No, that is not enough.” It’s one thing to be content when you are comfortable, when you have such wonderful things in life, but what if they all went away? What if something happened to my family? What if I could no longer afford our home? What if everything I held dear was gone? What if all I had was Jesus? The salvation that He brings, redeeming me from my sin and bringing me into this new life with Him, what if it was the only hope I had? Would I be content then? Que another tantrum from this big baby over here. I cried. I threw my phone. I knew He was right, I don’t deserve any of this, let alone another huge blessing of a child to care for. He’s always got to go that extra step in trying to refine me. Just when I think I’ve got it all figured out another wrench comes flying in. I repented of my pride, I surrendered my situation to Him, I vowed that things would be different. I would trust in His perfect timing and be content not with what I had, but content in knowing that I have all I need in Jesus alone.
After drying my tears and putting on my big girl panties, I was ready to face another month. I was filled with peace, almost looking forward to another negative test so that I could show my Heavenly Father how much I had grown up. Then this happened:
Part 3: coming soon